You have been an immense inspiration and to say that I have shared many of your thoughts, dreams and fears would be an understatement. I am rendered almost, almost mind you , speechless at how helpful I have found you to be. — John T.
What a gift you are! As you talk about your experience, your honesty and gut level feelings make this new lifestyle achievable for me. Thank you so much for your experience, strength and hope. — Tammy D.
You are so honest, true and to the core — I love it. You provide an enlightening reminder that, although food is a big part of our lives — it's not the only part of it. I feel blessed — Terri
The Priceless Gifts of WLS:
A Second Chance and Freedom From Shame
by Glenn Goldberg
(originally printed in the Fall, 2003 issue of WLS Lifestyles)
One year after my Weight Loss Surgery, I have been blessed with many priceless gifts. I'm enjoying things I never thought I could -- comfort, fitness, mobility and a second chance to live a long and healthy life. One of the most important and surprising gifts of my WLS has been my liberation from the Shame I had used to diminish and sabotage myself all these Lost Decades.
As far back as I can remember, my weight had always been the single most defining, limiting, painful and self-destructive issue in my life. Slightly obese as an adolescent, my body mass continued to multiply until, at age 55, I weighed 360 pounds, was an insulin-dependent diabetic, and suffered from obstructive sleep apnea. My morbidly obese body was wracked with daily pain, and my spirit was tormented by daily exclusions and humiliations.
I know now that my worsening obesity was just an outward symptom of my toxic and self-defeating inner Shame about how I looked, what I weighed and, ultimately, who I was. As a child, I didn't have words to name that deep, doomed feeling that something was terribly wrong with me. I didn't need them. I got the clear picture every time my mother looked at me with that curious mixture of love and revulsion, and every time I saw the harsh judgments in others' eyes or felt the wounds of their taunts and ridicule.
I felt Shame about my character defects that differentiated and separated me from "normal" people. Normal people were thin and attractive. They moved with grace and ease. They knew when they were full, and when to stop eating. They had discipline and restraint. They could eat in moderation. When they put on a few extra pounds, they simply summoned their willpower, dieted, exercised and were magically restored to their blessed state of bodily normality.
I was different from, and less than, them. Even as I excelled in every other area of my life - academic, social, musical, and later professional - I understood at a very early age that I suffered from some terrible, fundamental character flaw that made me a ravenous, gluttonous pig. My weaknesses rendered me powerless over the body I came to loathe, and over the insane forces that compelled me to stuff my face until I felt bloated and sick. I've spent most of my life locked in a self-defeating dance with the twin demons of my obesity and my Shame about it. I internalized this Shame and believed it's seductive lies. I WAS my obesity; my fat was my fault; and it was an accurate reflection of my damaged inner essence. Shame became my constant companion -- the negative critical voice in my head -- and the irresistible force that drove my ever-worsening cycle of compulsive overeating, deteriorating health and immobility.
To transform from a morbidly obese candidate for premature death into a healthy, active, fit man with a normal life expectancy, I needed a tool. That tool was my Weight Loss Surgery. Today, I know that there's no shame in this -- just like there was no shame in being diabetic or having sleep apnea. They were all just medical conditions that required medical interventions.
My Weight Loss Surgery gave me something I had never experienced before: a fully functional appetite regulator. Since my surgery, my body gives me clear and unambiguous feedback. When I'm full, or when I eat something my testy digestive system can't handle, it lets me know and I stop. Using this powerful tool effectively, I've lost 160 pounds in a year. I've been able to do what had previously been both unthinkable and impossible. As the burden of carrying around the weight of a whole extra person has been lifted from me, my body has responded with amazing resiliency, dazzling energy and a thrilling capacity, and love, for exercise.
This has been my final proof that IT WASN'T MY FAULT ALL THIS TIME! This has been the documentation I needed that my obesity hadn't been a matter of my deficient willpower, insufficient commitment, sinfully gluttonous appetites, or laziness. My WLS freed me to put my perfectly adequate motivation and strength to good use, and it's worked. In the process, I've finally been able to fully and completely jettison the Shame I've been carrying around along with my obesity, and toss it in the trash heap where it belongs. This has lightened me more than losing the weight!
I'm not sure why I, and so many others, are so different. It may be because we're simply carrying too much weight to deal with losing it incrementally, or because our metabolism has slowed down and become stuck and nothing we do will speed it up. Maybe it's because our appetite regulator simply doesn't work and never has, or perhaps it's just the accumulated burden of a lifetime of blame, hopelessness, and despair. But my experience is that for me, and for many other morbidly obese people, WLS may be the ONLY realistic alternative for achieving a long, healthy life.
My observations are supported by new research findings. They provide irrefutable evidence that body weight is largely a function of genes - just like height or a family propensity for cancer. These genes help regulate appetite and metabolism. People prone to obesity seem to gain excessive weight easily, while finding it difficult or impossible to lose it. That's why diets almost always fail and why WLS is currently the only viable weight loss option for many morbidly obese people, according to endocrinologist David Cummings of the Veterans Affairs Puget Sound Health Care System, a researcher in my Northwest corner of the U.S.
He reports that most people can lose no more than 5-10% off their "natural" body weight by exercising and eating wisely. Decades of diet studies show that more than 90% of people who lose weight by dieting gain it all back within 5 years. "There are exceptions, but when you are speaking of general rules, the only people who are able to lose more than 10 percent of their body weight and keep it off are people who have hadÉbariatric surgery" Cummings notes.
I have become convinced through my process of WLS and recovery that confronting and releasing this Shame is one of the most vital pieces of emotional or "head" work that each of us must deal with before we can use this tool with optimal effectiveness to achieve our personal goals. The kindest and most productive thing we can do for ourselves may be to finally discard the self-blame and shame that has weighed us down like a rusty suit of armor. Perhaps then we may be liberated to "change the things we can" (in the words of the Serenity Prayer, which I live by) and to do everything in our power (which may include WLS) to live a long and healthy life.
Today, one year after my WLS, I have achieved all of my ambitious pre-op goals. I am at my goal weight! I weigh less than 200 pounds for the first time since my childhood. I have lost 160 pounds and shed my corpulent mass, my diabetes, my sleep apnea, my lethargy, and my despair. My BMI, originally way over 50, is now way under 30. I'm no longer considered obese.
Every day I either walk several miles, vigorously and uphill, or engage in resistance weight training. I look and feel great, wear "Large" size clothes (down from 4X) bought off the rack, and my energy and life force have multiplied exponentially. After my recent physical exam, my doctor reported that I am of "normal size and great health" for the first time I can ever remember. My body, spirit and life have been transformed through my diligent and effective use of this incredible tool of WLS -- and this precious gift of a fully functional appetite regulator. I thank my God every day for this miraculous second chance at good health and a long life.
I also honor and acknowledge myself every day for the commitment, strength and courage it has taken me to achieve my goals and my new vitality, health, body and lifestyle. My recovery and path have not been easy, and I still struggle with the severe limitations I experience with respect to both the amount and variety of foods I can comfortably consume. On balance, however, my Weight Loss Surgery has been a blessing. It was one of the smartest, best and most life-affirming choices I've ever made.
And my life is incomparably sweeter, brighter and lighter without the counter-productive burden of that all-encompassing Shame.
Through Thick
