It's such a blessing to walk this path together with people who truly understand.
— Lenay

I just cant believe how much you think like me. It's very strange to have someone echo your thoughts like that. Thanks for sharing yourself with me.
— Mike

I have to applaud you for being so open and honest. You are very helpful.
— Sue

Through Thick and Thin #39 (February 1, 2004)

Obsessing on My Oral Compulsions

My mouth craves constant action, stimulation, and movement. I derive great joy and satisfaction from the kinetic energy inherent in chewing, sucking or otherwise mouthing things and substances. My oral fixation began before the reach of my memory, and has continued, unabated, in the fifteen months since my Weight Loss Surgery. I haven’t let my oral compulsions interfere with my post-op eating plan. However, I still find myself struggling to understand the origins of my oral cravings, and to find healthy alternatives and replacement behaviors – or at least minimally harmful things and substances to keep my mouth satiated and out of trouble.

You probably would have laughed to see me at work a decade ago. In those ancient days I’d be displaying a stunning sampler of compulsive behaviors and implements at my desk. I’d have a cigarette in one hand, a caffeinated Diet Coke in the other, and an array of thoroughly chewed pens, pencils, straws, toothpicks and other useful oral tools scattered across my desk, alongside snacks, rolls of mints and packs of gum. I worked and lived compulsively, I ate obsessively, and my mouth was always full of something.

Over the years, as I did my emotional work, I began to understand bits and pieces of the origins of my Oral Obsessions. I came to see that the circumstances of my childhood and my shame about my obesity (and my inability to change it) had dug a huge hole in my soul, and that I was desperately trying to fill that spiritual void with food, soda, smoke, and chewable goodies. Later, I learned that NOTHING could ever be enough to fill that hole unless and until I forgave myself, reached a state of peace with my parents, and really and truly started believing that I was a good human being and “enough”. I was able to quit smoking, weaned myself off of soda and carbonation, and greatly improved my eating program. But my oral fixations persisted.

My parents are both deceased, so it’s impossible for me to deconstruct my childhood. However, it seems likely that I was never breast-fed, and I know for sure that my mom was uncomfortable with cuddling and affectionate displays. Maybe that’s where this all started. I'll never know. And I guess, in the final analysis, I really don’t need to know. I’ve come to believe that, at some point, it’s less important for me to understand the origins of my oral compulsion than to find ways to live with it, without hurting myself or threatening my new fit and thin State of Being and Lightness.

“Harm reduction” has been my primary strategy to prevent my oral cravings from sabotaging my WLS and post-op recovery. I have continued my constant mouth kinetics, but now I’m sucking, chewing and/or swallowing less harmful substances than junk food, soda, smoke and pens. My water bottle has become a part of my anatomy, and I drink that live-sustaining blessing constantly throughout my waking hours. Once I was far enough out from surgery, I began sucking on Altoids (always paranoid enough about swallowing one to make sure I melted it in my mouth). They worked well to satisfy my cravings and to impart a pleasant taste in my mouth, but before long a handful of Altoids a day turned into many, too many more. They were practically becoming one of my food groups, and I was terrified to find myself declining opportunities to eat protein to offset the extra calories consumed when I devoured a full container each day. So I switched to Breathsavers mints, which, for some reason, melted slower, lasted longer and never tempt me to binge. I’ve used other substitute behaviors as well, including chewing gum as I take long and cardio-pumping hikes.

The good news is that, for today, I can live a healthy life and maintain my weight loss even with my obsessive, compulsive consumption of water, sugar-free mints, and sugar-free gum. But I would love to find a way to live in peace and serenity without needing my mouth to be chomping every waking moment. These behaviors aren’t threatening my health, but I still find the twin demons of Shame and Blame bedeviling me every time I notice how hard, and sometimes impossible, it is for me to “just be”.

I’d love to know whether you share my Oral Obsession, and if so, how you deal with yours. I’m ready to vanquish, or at least better manage, my Moving Mouth Mania.

Glenn

Copyright, © 2003, Glenn Goldberg. All rights reserved.
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