It's such a blessing to walk this path together with people who truly understand. — Lenay
I just cant believe how much you think like me. It's very strange to have someone echo your thoughts like that. Thanks for sharing yourself with me. — Mike
I have to applaud you for being so open and honest. You are very helpful. — Sue
Through Thick and Thin #40 (February 28, 2004)
Fixing My Fixations II
or
Ending The Sacrifices At the Altar of My Oral Obsessions
I heard back from many
other WLSers who related to my observations in my last newsletter about how
my mouth constantly craves action, stimulation, and movement.
I also heard from others feeling crazed by their loved ones’ obsessions
with chewing, sucking and mouthing things. Everyone I heard from was also struggling,
without much success, to understand the origins of these powerful oral cravings.
Many, like me, try to use healthy alternatives and replacement behaviors – or at least minimally harmful things and substances -- to keep their mouths busy
and out of trouble.
But I really want to understand the roots of this particular compulsion, because
both me and my mouth are getting tired of this nonsense and wasted energy,
and I resent the loss of control and power over my own body parts and functions.
I don’t want to continue engaging in old behaviors that no longer serve
me or promote my health and inner peace. So I asked Dennis (a very special
friend and relative who is also a very gifted and spiritual psychoanalyst)
for his off-the-cuff
insights into my oral imperatives.Apparently, Sigmund Freud had a lot to say
about these compulsive behaviors. He observed that in response to anxiety or
stress, some individuals “regress” to
the earlier “oral stage” of their life when they gained such pleasure
and security from nursing at their mothers’ breasts. Freud believed that
an individual acting out their oral fixations is feeling “needy” and “dependent
upon others to meet those needs”. Freud also identified a second related
oral phase the oral biting stage. As I understand it, he believed that
the individual re-enacting their biting preoccupations from infancy is making
the statement: “I’m in need AND I’m angry. My needs are not
being met. I want what I want, and I want it NOW!” One of his successors,
Erik Erickson, slightly reframed oral fixations as being about people expressing
their anxiety and issues around “trust” and “dependency”.
Hmmm… Feeling
needy. Feeling dependent upon others to meet my needs. Feeling angry because
they’re falling down on the job and thus my needs aren’t
being met. Impatience because I have to wait. Trust issues. Is it a coincidence
that so many of my personal life issues and challenges seem to center around
issues of trust and issues of frustration and impatience when others disappoint
me or don’t follow through and thus I’m not getting my needs
met? I think not. As one of my teachers and mentors, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross,
used
to say, “if you believe in coincidence, you’re just not paying
attention!” Well,
I AM paying attention and I do want to figure this one out.
I know a little
and I wonder a lot. I know that my mother seemed uncomfortable with bodily
functions, including breast-feeding. I know that she was repulsed
by my infantile explosive bowel movements and projectile vomiting. I know
that she did not enjoy physical affection or cuddling. Did I pick up these
signals,
even as an infant, and start becoming increasingly anxious, and uncertain,
about trusting those I counted upon and about getting my most basic needs
met? At that
stage, my basic needs were literally all about survival: getting enough
food; getting physical protection from a hostile world; getting my fears removed
and my pain eased. How does this translate into my needs and fears today?
How can
I ever know these answers?
I have so many questions, and so few answers, that I’ve decided to try
something rather dramatic to first understand, and then to free myself from,
my elusive and potentially self-destructive oral obsession. Here’s what
I’ve decided to do:
Starting the moment I finish writing this newsletter and send it out to you,
I am going to refuse to chew, lick, suck, bite or otherwise use or mouth gum,
mints, or any other substances or implements – other than bona fide food,
beverages and medications that are a regular part of my daily consumption – for
one week, two weeks, a month or however long it takes to get to the bottom of
this mystery.
Since I clearly use my mouth in this fashion as some kind of deep-rooted response
to feelings of anxiety, stress, distrust and abandonment, I figure that whatever
demon or genie or other surprise that is usually kept distracted by my oral
activities will find some way out. They will reveal themselves to me in some
form– and
I’ll be keeping a hypervigilant watch to see what are the feelings or responses
that pop out when I refuse to sacrifice my self-will and power to them on the
Altar of my Oral Obsessions.
I’ve successfully used a similar approach to deal with “head hunger” – that
phantom appetite coming from unresolved feelings that makes me feel hungry
when I know that my stomach is full. Instead of eating, I’ll go for a
walk, explore what I’m feeling, and I’ll usually find or deconstruct
the feeling that is disguising itself as hunger. Once I can name it, I can
claim
it, and that fear, anxiety or feeling loses its power over me. I’m hoping
that this similar strategy will help me understand – and finally resolve – the
unseen, unknown forces that drive me to keep my mouth in perpetual motion.
Through Thick
