You have been an immense inspiration and to say that I have shared many of your thoughts, dreams and fears would be an understatement. I am rendered almost, almost mind you , speechless at how helpful I have found you to be.
— John T.

What a gift you are! As you talk about your experience, your honesty and gut level feelings make this new lifestyle achievable for me. Thank you so much for your experience, strength and hope.
— Tammy D.

You are so honest, true and to the core — I love it. You provide an enlightening reminder that, although food is a big part of our lives — it's not the only part of it. I feel blessed
— Terri

Through Thick and Thin #41 (April 9, 2004)

Making Peace With My Mouth While Bringing My Heart Up To Speed

In my last newsletter, written at the end of February, I continued my explorations of my oral obsessions and my lifelong history of keeping my mouth gainfully employed in chewing, licking, sucking, and other self-stimulating acts of consumption and oral play. And I announced that, effective immediately, I was going to experiment by stopping, cold turkey, my use of gum, mints, and all other substances or implements – other than bona fide food, beverages and medications that are a regular part of my daily nutritional consumption – for however long it took to get to the bottom of this mystery. I reasoned that whatever feelings were underlying and feeding my oral fixations would soon reveal themselves and allow me to address them once I ceased the chomping.

Life sure is full of surprises. My Grand Experiment showed surprising results – even before I ended up in the hospital with a pacemaker inserted beneath my breastbone. That's why you haven't heard from me during the last month. (Thanks for all of your expressions of concern and support.) Let me explain…

Within a few days of beginning my Oral Abstinence Experiment, I found the answer I had been seeking all these years. Why do I obsessively and relentlessly pop things into my mouth? BECAUSE IT'S A LEARNED BEHAVIOR THAT BECAME A HABIT.

While I was expecting feelings and emotional storms to erupt once I stopped my non-subsistence Chew-A-Thon, the main things I experienced, and only then for the first few days, were feelings of boredom, emptiness, and a lack of taste-excitement-stimulation. Nothing more. I didn't experience any suffering or deprivation or withdrawals. I wasn't tempted to eat more food or drink more drinks. There was no deep secret, only long-ago learned behaviors that I had never tested. Once challenged, they melted away.

Here's what I've concluded about MY oral fixations as a result of my experiment:

1. My oral fixation is a learned behavior . Sometime long ago, for reasons that have long since disappeared, I learned (or thought I did) that mouthing and consumption behaviors provided me with the illusion of “filling up” that bottomless unworthiness pit within me (my “I'm Not Enough Hole”). It felt good, or postponed my feeling bad, so this learned behavior worked for me and I continued to work it. It became a habit that persisted long after both my need for self-comfort and its initial apparent effectiveness receded.

2. My learned behaviors can be unlearned. All I had to do was try. When I suspended the habit, there was no deep, ultimate truth that emerged, or any replaced behavior that demanded reinstatement. Another one of the stories I'd been telling myself all my life – that chewing on things helped me feel better – proved to be an empty lie and illusion. I was amazed, and delighted, that I didn't have to pay any dues or penalty for stopping the habit that virtually took me over, but delivered no real payoff. In the future, my first step to challenge any other self-sabotaging or non-productive learned behavior or habit will be to just stop it – and then to notice the results.

3. I have a compulsive, addictive personality, and consequently I will compulsively devour anything that stimulates or occupies my mouth AND that I make readily available to myself. If I don't have these temptations around, I don't miss them, crave them or seek them out. If I have them close at hand, I do, and I will consume them. So just as I don't keep unhealthy foods in my home, I will no longer keep gum, mints and their ilk in my home. Maybe I'll splurge on gum or mints on a business trip, or a long drive. But my home is my temple and I only want to keep healthy things in my temple.

4. If I've been held hostage to a learned behavior/habit relating to gum, mints, etc., what other learned behaviors or habits in other domains of my life are unnecessarily holding me back or hurting me? I plan to munch on that question for a long time.

I began my experiment on Saturday. I had my answers by Sunday. On Monday, still abstinent and continuing the experiment, I felt light-headed while taking my morning walk. I ended up in the emergency room, diagnosed with brachycardia (slow heart beat). While my heart was strong and undamaged, something was wrong with the electrical timing mechanism and so my heart was pumping too slowly. As a result, my brain and organs weren't getting the oxygen and nutrients they needed. My pacemaker was installed two weeks ago, and now, finally, I'm feeling healthy and energized again.

I do want you to know that if I hadn't had my Weight Loss Surgery and hadn't lost my excess weight (175 pounds to date, almost half of my starting weight), this heart episode could have been dangerous and even lethal. There was no connection between my slow heart rate and my WLS (more likely it's a genetic endowment from my maternal side of the family). But because I am now thin and fit, I was spared what could have been a very serious and debilitating health crisis. You can imagine how thrilled and proud I was, even in the midst of my hospitalization, when after the dreaded “treadmill test” of my heart's capacity, the doctor told me I had the healthy and strong heart of a marathon runner. How sweet is the aftermath of WLS J

Glenn Goldberg, VBG 10.24.02, 360/185 © Glenn Goldberg 2004

Copyright, © 2003, Glenn Goldberg. All rights reserved.
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